We Need to Get Better at Listening to Children Experiencing Domestic Abuse

A child doesn't have to tell you they're unsafe for you to recognise that they might be.

Children experiencing domestic abuse don't always tell an adult what's happening at home. They may be frightened, ashamed, too young to understand what they're experiencing, or worried about what will happen if they speak up. And yet safeguarding practice still leans heavily on a child making a direct disclosure before professionals feel confident that something is wrong.

That reliance is exactly what Virtual College and domestic abuse training specialists KADA Training Academy are challenging in a new piece of thought leadership, urging safeguarding professionals to ask themselves a harder question: do staff actually feel confident recognising abuse when a child isn't telling them anything at all?

The evidence gap between guidance and confidence

The safeguarding framework already asks professionals to look beyond words — to consider behaviour, non-verbal communication, changes over time, and the wider context of a child's life. In practice, that's proving difficult to deliver consistently.

Research into frontline police responses to domestic abuse incidents involving children found real variation in officers' confidence communicating with children, assessing their welfare, and recording what they observed — with researchers calling for more scenario-specific training rather than general awareness alone.

Separate research commissioned for the Domestic Abuse Commissioner's report into children's experiences of domestic abuse raised a similar concern in education settings: some teachers can rely too heavily on a child directly telling them about abuse, rather than being curious enough about changes in behaviour or emotional regulation.

Put simply — the guidance already points the right way. The gap is confidence in acting on it.

What if the child is trying not to be noticed?

It's tempting to picture a child affected by domestic abuse as visibly distressed. Often, the opposite is true. A child may be unusually quiet or withdrawn — but they can just as easily present as exceptionally well behaved, mature for their age, or eager to please.

We put this to KADA Training Academy, who work directly with professionals on recognising and responding to domestic abuse. Their view is that non-disclosure is rarely about a child not caring, or not needing help — it's about the real barriers standing in their way: not having the words to describe what's happening, fear, shame, or believing the behaviour they're witnessing at home is simply normal because it's all they've ever known. Some children have been explicitly told not to talk about it, and warned of what will happen if they do.

As KADA Training Academy put it, professionals can end up relying too heavily on verbal disclosure — expecting a child to come forward and describe their experience is often unrealistic once you factor in their age and stage of development, and the level of power and control the abusive parent holds over the household.

What signs should professionals actually look for?

KADA Training Academy's guidance is to observe a child holistically — their behaviour, physiological responses and coping mechanisms — rather than waiting for words. Some of the more telling signs are subtle and easy to miss unless you know to look for them: a child tracking movement around a room, reacting to a specific footstep, or constantly scanning an adult's face for shifts in mood.

For professionals who visit family homes, how a child moves through the space can be just as revealing — trying to make themselves "invisible," retreating to small spaces, or positioning themselves as a physical shield for a parent. The core principle KADA Training Academy points to is treating hypervigilance and behavioural change as valid evidence of harm in their own right, and assessing the lived, daily experience of coercive control rather than looking for a single moment of proof.

From disclosure to curiosity

None of this means treating every behavioural change as an automatic safeguarding concern — that would risk over-referral and lost trust. The shift KADA Training Academy describes is subtler: developing genuine curiosity about what might be behind a change, rather than defaulting to "no disclosure, no concern."

In practice, that means observing the child, communicating with them directly, and building a picture of their lived experience using every available source — including, where appropriate, speaking to the non-abusive parent. It also means being willing to sit with what's been observed and imagine, as KADA put it, what that child's life might actually look like day to day.

Schools are often best placed to notice

Because teachers and school staff see children every day, schools are uniquely positioned to spot the early signs that something is happening outside the classroom — a change in attendance, behaviour, friendships, emotional regulation or presentation.

Multi-agency initiatives like Operation Encompass have helped raise the standard of joined-up training between schools and police. But as KADA Training Academy notes, recent Ofsted findings and case reviews suggest domestic abuse training in some areas still needs closer attention. Knowing, in principle, that children are victims of domestic abuse in their own right is one thing. Recognising what that actually looks like in front of you — and having the confidence to respond appropriately — is another.

What needs to change

The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 was a significant step in formally recognising children as victims of domestic abuse in their own right, not merely witnesses to it. But as KADA point out, recognition on paper has to be followed by action — and, crucially, by timely access to support. Waiting three to six months for a child to get the help they need after a concern is identified undermines the point of identifying it early in the first place.

Professionals can't remove every barrier that stops a child from disclosing abuse. What they can do is make sure they're equipped to listen differently — through holistic observation, sustained curiosity, and the confidence to act on what they see, not just on what they're told.

Building that confidence through training

Recognising the signs of domestic abuse — and knowing how to respond appropriately once you've spotted them — is a skill that needs to be taught and practised, not assumed. Virtual College's Domestic Abuse Awareness training covers the risk factors, effects and behaviours associated with domestic abuse, the impact on children and vulnerable adults, the MARAC process, and best practice for supporting people affected by it — giving professionals a stronger foundation for the kind of curious, holistic observation this article describes.

For safeguarding teams looking to build this alongside wider child protection knowledge, our Safeguarding in Education and Level 3 safeguarding courses reinforce the same principle at the heart of current guidance: safeguarding is everyone's responsibility, and it doesn't start with a disclosure.